Humor - Kudos to fictitious cyber sex therapist and columnist Joy Billington. Joy’s column appears in Online Offbeat’s sister Web site, Nothing Personal Ads & Advice. She was recently interviewed by a reporter from Men’s Health magazine. Things were going smoothly until MH’s crack journalist apparently figured out she was corresponding with a figment of someone’s imagination. The correspondent hasn’t been heard from since.
That doesn’t mean Joy’s wonderful and insightful advice must go to waste. The subject: What are the top mistakes men make while having cyber sex?
- Men are men. At the first sign of virtual cleavage, they rush to have virtual sex without proper virus protection.
- Men never consider that the lusty lass from Lancaster with whom they’ve been sharing online hot oil massages may actually be their bowling buddy from Beford.
- Men think they can double fake it, but women always know when guys are checking their e-mail during cyber cuddling.
- Men tend to rush things. Rule of thumb: never ask your partner’s imaginary twin sister to join the fun until the third date.
- Don’t confuse addiction with endurance. You may have a problem if you’ve typed “Who’s your daddy?” more than 1000 times in one cyber encounter.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - Guest contributor, Merrill Kazanjian - January, 2009 is a historic month. Barack Obama will become out first African American President and George W. Bush will become out first President in Outer Space (At least if the American people had their way). Other cameos by Alan Greenspan (pouring out his 40 for his dead Wall Street homies), Hillary Clinton (still campaigning to the right of Obama), John McCain (far left), Tim Gunn (right of Obama), Vicente Fox, Henry Kissinger, Al Gore mixed in with several other "characters."
(Click on image to enlarge.)
bigmetsfan1@aol.com
Humor - Do you think you know the true meaning of Christmas? While your chestnuts are roasting and Jack Frost’s nipping at your toes, take this simple test and find out.
Question: While trying to save 25 cents on a pack of tube socks during a holiday sale, you inadvertently trample a Wal-Mart employee to death. Do you:
A: Demand compensation for the damage done to your shoes?
B: Donate the 25 cents you saved to the deceased employee's memorial fund?
C: Send the deceased employee’s next of kin, at no charge, the video you shot with your cell phone that shows the paramedics frantically trying to revive the victim?
D: Tearfully explain to an “Action News” TV reporter that “Even though I caused this person’s death just so I could save 25 cents on a pack of tube socks, I really am a good Christian."?
If you selected any of the above, award yourself a cup of eggnog and start strategizing for Costco’s “Day After Christmas, Two-for-One, 50-Gallon Drum, Dinty Moore Beef Stew” sale.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Television - “Jon and Kate Plus 8” has become "Jon and Kate Plus 8 Million Freebies." The show was cute once upon a time – back when Jon had a job, back when aunts and uncles lent sparkles of generosity, back when Kate did not look like a surly biker chick, back when the kids were cute, back when viewers were not complicit in this couple's stunning greed.
The reality show about the Gosselin family of 10 – sextuplets, twins, and mom and dad – has become surreality. One child, a twin named Madeline, seems to have become severely damaged by the constant intrusion of the TLC cameras. Mady used to chat about whatever popped into her creative head. Now, she’s an object of scorn by her parents for being snarly and uncooperative. Hey, the kid just wants a life. Outcast Mady (seated below right in orange with a sour look) is a martyr for this family's embarrassment.
![Jon-and-Kate-Plus-8-TLC_74223EFB[1].jpg](http://www.onlineoffbeat.com/Jon-and-Kate-Plus-8-TLC_74223EFB%5B1%5D.jpg)
In a recent episode, Kate, who lectures the camera way too much, forces her children to have a “giving” experience. She takes them all to a discount barn to fill shopping carts loads with various plasticized playthings. TLC, a rich TV network of Discovery channels, flies the whole family to St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital to give away the toys. When they're staying at a freebie hotel before gawking at sick children, they promote the movie "The Tale Of Despereaux." In the freebie hotel's big bed, Kate reads the "Despereaux" book while her own children play with "Despereaux" dolls. Creepy. I finally clicked to a conclusion: Enough.
Enough of Jon and Kate’s indulging the selfish mean-spiritedness of their children. The parents do not teach life lessons. They are barely polite to any of their enablers -- people who give them free hayrides, train rides, plane rides, museum tours, hair plugs, sides of organic beef, dinners at Disney World, beach houses in the Carolinas. Enough of Jon and Kate grabbing for the nearest graft after the sad Maui vacation when the four-year-old girls got pedicures and few friends or family showed up for Jon and Kate's faux wedding. Enough of Jon and Kate's pretending to be rich with spiritual values. Their kind of grubby, grabby “rich” is a TV Ponzi scheme. Viewers invest with no reward. “Jon and Kate Plus 8” passed into moral bankruptcy long ago and far away.
monica@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor- Get on board the Shove Train
You thought riding the T during rush hour couldn’t get more unpleasant? Think again, Claustrophobic Breath. The Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority is introducing rush hour Red Line cattle trains with no seats. Ok, they’re leaving in a couple for handicapped riders, but even Mussolini’s trains had wheelchair ramps (so I’ve heard).
Why stop there? There are countless ways you can cram a subway car. Here are just a few.
- Piggyback Mondays
- Groping Tuesdays
- Spooning Wednesdays
- No Exhale Thursdays
- Casual Sex Fridays
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Humor / Possible Captions
Possible captions
- Houston, we have a bitter aftertaste.
- I think it needs a slice of lemon.
- No seriously, it has no caffeine?
- I can’t believe it’s not real urine.
- This was definitely not in the job description.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor- In her bra and under the table
The FBI is subpoenaing records from All Checks Cashed check-cashing stores in search of other places former State Senator Dianne Wilkerson may have hidden money. Here are a few other leads the agency is chasing down:
- For three years, Wilkerson had a no-show job at the Little Bit of Ecuador Landscape Service.
- During her first term in office, the former senator worked as a part-time exotic dancer until a constituent stuffed thousand-dollar bills into her G-string, causing her to tip over and break a hip.
- Wilkerson has purchased Victoria Secret specialty bras in three sizes: fives, tens, and twenties.
- To avoid taxes, Wilkerson may have stashed thousands of dollars in a Cayman Islands halter top.
- A video has reportedly turned up on YouTube showing Wilkerson stuffing money into City Counselor Chuck Turner’s pants while asking, “Can you break a twenty?”
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - Boston City Hall is so ugly...
Boston City Hall was named by the Web site, VirtualTourist.com as the world’s ugliest building. But don’t despair. It doesn’t take much to turn an awful edifice into a sassy structure. For example:
- Replace the roof with a wooden shingle comb-over.
- Install curtains in the Memino Rumpus Room.
- Audition for the reality show, “Trading Municipal Spaces.”
- Hire a structural therapist to help BCH feel better about itself.
- If all fails, get an estimate from the guy who works on Joan Rivers.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor
Toll hikes voted by the Mass Turnpike Board (along with its new slogan: “If you have to ask how much, you should be hitchhiking”) have given new meaning to the term “road rage.” But there are ways to beat the system. Here are just a few:
- Find a 13-year-old computer geek who can re-program your Fast Lane device.
- Learn the toll collector’s secret Teamster wink.
- Sign up for the Backstroke-to-Logan shuttle
- Trade your car in for a fire engine.
- Carpool with an elected official.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor
Fidelity announced it's cutting 1,300 jobs. It also used the occasion to unveil its new Asset Mismanagement and Stifled Growth funds.
Rumor 1: Deval Patrick will leave office to take a job in the Obama administration -- just as soon as he can find 1200 college students willing to rent his Berkshire manse for $27,000 a month.
Rumor 2: John Kerry will leave office to be Barack Obama's Secretary of State -- just as soon as his possible successor, Marty Meehan, can hire an excavator to dig up his war chest.
Rumor 3: Ray Flynn will leave no particular office to be Barack Obama's Ambassador to the Knights of Columbus.
Officials are scrambling to prepare for the State's newly-liberalized marijuana laws. Backers of the bill assured authorities they should "just chill out and pass the Doritos."
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - What a difference a different administration makes
How will President Obama's White House be different from President Bush's? Here are just a few ways.
- The president's personal security code will be changed from one to ten digits.
- Daily security briefings will no longer be delivered by hand puppets.
- Barbecued Fluffernutters will no longer be served at state dinners.
- The president will no longer be asked to step out of the room every time the vice
president has something important to say.
- The ban on head-of-state visitors with hard-to-pronounce names will be lifted.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - It's not a Barack lock
Barack Obama may be leading in most polls, but anything can happen during these last hours before the final vote. Here are just a few ways he could lose.
- An ill-advised pledge to pardon O.J. Simpson
- The premature introduction of his Treasury Secretary, George Soros
- A proposal to replace the Pledge of Allegiance with the fist bump
- The revelation that Barck Obama's aunt, who's been living illegally in the United States in a Boston public housing project, has also been collecting a disability pension for the time she worked as a prison matron at the Hanoi Hilton.
- A surprise attack of dyslexia during a speech, resulting in: "Stupid, it's the economy!"
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - Tips for undecided voters
Dear Undecided Voters,
I realize it’s nearly impossible to choose a president based on only watching candidates campaign for 20 months. So here is some advice that will help make your decision easier.
- Think of one candidate as boxers and the other briefs.
- Chances are you'll never have a beer with either candidate, anyway.
- Barack Obama is the black one. John McCain is the old one.
- Not having a full grasp of the facts never stopped Sarah Palin from being decisive.
- Pretend that guy who always stands behind you in fast food restaurants screaming, "Will you please make up your mind!" is standing behind you in the voting booth screaming, "Will you please make up your mind!"
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor- It's not over until the stuffed lady is elected president of her cell block
Dianne Wilkerson may have been busted, but she's also a bust size away from being re-elected. With her base energized to vote for Barack Obama, all she needs is a catchy phrase or two to whip up her troops. Consider the following:
- Let her who is without sin stuff the first bra.
- Today is the first day of the arrest of your life.
- Woman does not live by silicone implants alone.
- We have nothing to fear but fear, and a man with a camera and microphone posing as a developer.
- No one asks how many years Dolly Parton has been taking payoffs.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Cartoons / Humor
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