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Politics / Humor
I had sex with those women -- Tiger Woods’ performance at his press/public relations conference was almost perfect in every way. He was contrite, apologetic, and humble. However, Tiger could’ve taken a lesson from Scott Brown by saying:
"I cheated."
"I am deeply sorry."
“This is my pickup truck.”
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor
Vice Presidents behaving badly -- Did you catch last weekend’s schoolyard fight between Dick Cheney and Joe Biden? I’m not sure who won, but it gave the pundits much to talk and blog about after recess. The biggest disappointment was that we couldn’t send the two home with a stern note for their parents.
Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to veto me? -- The Virginia Senate has voted to allow concealed weapons permit holders to carry guns in restaurants that serve alcohol, as long as they don’t drink. Have they really thought this through? Who is going to tell a Karaoke bar patron packing heat that he’s sung one too many versions of “Feelings”? Good luck trying to persuade Steven Segal wannabes to share their beer nuts.
Jenny Craig goes to Washington -- President Obama has created a deficit reduction commission tasked with eliminating $14.3 trillion in government red ink. Here are some suggestions to hit the ground running: 1) Commission should skip the ornate board rooms and meet at Denny’s -- and then only order off the children’s menu. 2) Don’t take anything off the table -- including leasing Connecticut to Aetna. 3) Effective immediately, Dept. of Defense starts buying weapons at CostCo.
If, after all this, the Republicans threaten to boycott any decisions made by the commission, it's time for Obama to get tough and order the EPA to ban whatever substance John Boehner is using to give his complexion that lovely orange glow.
Strap the tea partiers on the roof, he’s ready to go -- Mitt Romney was busy at this week’s Conservative Political Action Committee conference in Washington, rallying the troops for another Romney for President road trip. Reason number one to vote for Mitt? Paint a Hitler mustache on him and he’s still the best looking candidate.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Humor
- Former Mass. Lt. Gov. Kerry Healey says she's not running for US Senate. Her supporters can only dream about what would have never been.
- Madonna lights Sabbath candles with Netanyahu. Then offers to adopt Hamas.
- I just bought a book of Annie Leibovitz's photos. Unfortunately, it only contained Chapter 11.
- Michael Jackson glove sells for $49,000 in Australia. The buyer gets something that touched greatness as well as many kids.
- Transgender activist runs for mayor of Idaho town. His/her campaign slogan: "Change you'll probably find confusing.
- Cape Cod bans swimming due to great white sharks -- until great white sharks ban eating swimmers.
- Turtle thought to be extinct spotted in Myanmar -- under house arrest since 1988.
- Contraception to be dispensed at Revere, Mass. high school. Most popular contraception method: saying you're from Revere, Mass.
- Why didn’t we listen to Rush and Glenn about Obama’s school speech? Already, there are reports of kindergarten finger-painting cooperatives.
- Massive 3,700-year-old wall uncovered in Jerusalem. Archeologists believe they’ve discovered the original Fenway Green Monster.
- Madonna lights Sabbath candles with Netanyahu. To keep things in perspective, he also attended a Passover Seder with Carrot Top.
- Venezuela to export gasoline to Iran – after Chavez and Ahmadinejad agree to disagree about who is crazier.
- Transgender activist runs for mayor of Idaho town. Also the first candidate to accuse an opponent of “staring at my Adam’s apple".
- Obama “Green Jobs” adviser resigns. In a parting fit of anger, he told Obama to “take this job and recycle it!”
- Jon Gosselin says he despises estranged wife Kate. Kate shoots back: “You turn me on when you’re bitter and spiteful.”
- Author Naomi Wolf to write history of the vagina. Asked why, she said, “I saw an opening and went for it.”
- Companies fined for selling hazardous sweatshirts. “My friend went to Disneyland and all I got was this lousy skin disease.”
- NYC man charged in Ponzi scheme, diverting client's money to porn business. Or as Bernie Madoff would call that: diversification.
- US comes in 2nd behind Switzerland in competitiveness poll. Obama immediately orders Kraft to drill holes in Cheez Whiz.
- 3 more great white sharks tagged off Mass. coast. Not-so-great white sharks are starting to feel left out.
- 3 more great white sharks tagged off Mass. coast. Two ask, “Does this tag make my fin look big?”
- Ky. mother upset after football coach has her son and other players baptized. The hard part was fitting them all in the whirlpool.
- Gold price rises over $1,000. Said one financial expert: “It’s never too late to start investing in rappers’ teeth.
- Hugh Hefner files for divorce. Apparently, his wife became suspicious of the 4 other women in their bed.
- Preacher says God wanted him to hijack Mexican jet. How come God never tells people not to bring crying babies on planes?
- If Joe “You Lie” Wilson has proven anything, it’s that he has what it takes to be the next Joe the Plumber.
- Fed survey shows US recession may be over. Its proof? Homeless people are starting to build additions onto their cardboard homes.
- Calif. GOP lawmaker quits over taped sex comments. He's also the first politician whose resignation speech included heavy breathing.
- Pres. Obama regrets delaying details for health plan – although he may still delay announcing do-it-yourself prostate exams.
- Tim Cahill enters race for Mass. governor. His campaign slogan: It looked like a good idea in the beginning.
- Harvard study: Businesses not ready for H1N1 flu. However, they are ready for the after-flu sale.
- Marijuana farming increases amid ailing economy. DEA reports sharp increase of disoriented scare crows.
- John Stossel is leaving ABC News for Fox News – “where, finally, I won’t be harassed by those pesky fact-checkers.
- Treasury Sec. Geithner says bailout programs are shrinking – thanks to his innovative “Preparation H Financial System.”
- Study: Condoms help reduce global warming – meaning you can help the environment by planting something other than a tree.
- Yankee Stadium gives out free prostate exams. Authorities still on the lookout for rogue peanut vendor wearing rubber gloves.
- Government of Sweden uses state funds to produce feminist porn. Director is looking for male actors who can express their feelings on cue.
- Government of Sweden uses state funds to produce feminist porn. First project: “Debbie Does Betty Friedan.”
- Indiana court: Pizza shop must pay for 340-pound employee’s weight-loss surgery – and stop paying him with calzones.
- SC GOP joins lawmakers asking Gov. Mark Sanford to resign – or, at the very least, join a more discreet dating Web site.”
- Studies: 1 dose of swine flu vaccine works. 2 makes you smell like bacon.
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Humor
- Chris Brown says he still loves Rihanna – in a vicious violent kind of way.
- There’s a description for Dick Cheney’s callous disregard of basic human rights: his warm and fuzzy side.
- Same-sex marriages begin in Vermont. Or as opponents are calling it: Sodom and Gomorrah meet Ben and Jerry.
- NJ teacher accused of selling grades for $1,400. The tip off? Her last test asked “How many grades must I sell to earn $8400?”
- Disgraced former NY Gov. Eliot Spitzer is thinking about elected office again. His goal: Become disgraced NY State Comptroller Eliot Spitzer.
- Honolulu wants to ban body odor on buses. Apparently, our Constitution does not include the right to remain malodorous.
- Ohio judge silences defendant with duct tape – or as he calls it, binding arbitration.
- Fire seen on JetBlue flight after it lands safely. Passengers charged $10 for fireworks display.
- Circus billionaire plans show while visiting space aboard Russian Soyuz capsule. Highlight will be clowns crawling out of space toilet.
- Rolling Stones deny 68-year-old drummer Charlie Watts quit the band. They say he just wandered off.
- Stranger accused of slapping crying child at store – automatically nominating him for the Leona Helmsley Humanitarian Award.
- Pfizer to pay record $2.3B penalty for drug promos. Company must also stop claiming “Viagra keeps the men on Mt. Rushmore hard.”
- Internet addiction center opens in US. Said one user: “It’s great! I’ve been logged on for 3 weeks!
- Part of finger bitten off at Calif. health care reform protest. The biter was there to protest socialized chewing.
- Federal agency approves plan for Gulf of Mexico fish farming. Work will begin after engineers design a tractor that won’t sink.
- Montana girl admits trying to poison dad’s Jell-O – proving once again that even poison can make Jell-O taste better.
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Humor
- Hawaii's marks 50th anniversary of statehood. Many conservatives demand to see a birth certificate.
- North Dakota town claims to set world record for the most fire trucks in a parade -- and the record for most unattended fires.
- McNabb says he and Vick could pose double threat. Dog and cat fighting?
- Pakistan captures Taliban's top spokesman. All he's said so far is "No comment" and "I'll have to get back to you on that."
- Man carrying assault weapon attends Obama protest. Too bad the 2nd Amendment applies to people with only 2nd grade educations.
- Tom DeLay joins the cast of "Dancing With the Stars." In a related story, Paula Abdul has become a pharmaceutical company lobbyist.
- Large CA fire caused by marijuana farm. Authorities say they'll have the blaze under control whenever.
- N. Korea to reopen border with S. Korea and resume tourism ventures. To compete, Disneyland to open "It's a Starving World After All."
- SC Gov. Sanford heads off for reserve duty. "Honey, I'm not the one who scheduled maneuvers in Buenos Aires."
- Study finds tiny traces of cocaine on US dollars -- as evidenced by George Washington's white mustache.
- Michael Jackson burial set for August 29. Beginning of rumors that he never died set for August 30.
- Federal study shows mercury in fish widespread. Related story: Red Lobster to sell scallops that take their own temperature.
- Texas woman arrested for fighting with 13-year-old boy in wheelchair. Her Nobel Peace price now in serious jeopardy.
- Reality TV contestant sought in ex-model's death -- or is that the plot for a new reality show?
- Naked passenger arrested on St. Louis to Oakland flight. "Forgive me for trying to speed up the strip search line."
- Michelle Obama still catching flack for wearing shorts on Air Force One. It still beats Bill Clinton's clothing optional flights.
- Starbucks raises prices on some beverages. The good news? Frappuccino financing is now available.
- Plaxico Burress pleads guilty to accidentally shooting himself. During sentencing, he's expected to read a victim statement to himself.
- Cash for Clunkers to end on Monday -- just in time for GM to announce its new 2010 clunkers.
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Humor
- Vt. police arrest man driving backward on highway. He claims he's a driver for the Palin Talk Express.
- Sarah Palin calls Pres. Obama's health plan "downright evil." She said it's the scariest title she's ever skimmed.
- Government approves formation of Australian Sex Party. Celebration is expected to last until government bans Australian Sex Party.
- Most popular TV show in Myanmar: "This Old House Arrest."
- GM to sell cars on eBay. Finally, a place to buy a Camaro with an image of the Virgin Mary on the hood.
- Jaime Pressly denies peeing in public. Remember the good old says when celebrities only denied being communists?
- 60-year-old man convicted of groping Minnie Mouse at Disney World. Blames it on an overdose of the new Cheese-flavored Viagra.
- Mass. transgender prison inmate denied electrolysis. He then demanded, "At least give me a cellmate who's into hairy chicks."
- Brazilian TV host accused of ordering killings to boost ratings. Regis Philbin shocked: "You can do that?"
- French pool bars Muslim woman for "burquini" suit. Disappointed swimmer laments, "How else can I work on the tan lines around my eyes?"
- My friend went to his congressman's town hall forum on health and all I got was this torn and bloody T-shirt.
- Dick Cheney is writing a book that won't be flattering of Bush. It's tentatively titled: "What Part of 'Do As I Say' Don't You Understand?"
- Radio Shack is changing its name to The Shack. Not to be outdone, Shaq is changing his name to Radio O'Neal.
- Taco Bell to start selling breakfast items. Hey, a Denny's Grand Slam omelet can only clog so many arteries.
- Obama's poll numbers are down. And to think, unlike George Bush, he's done it without mispronouncing "nuclear" or invading another country.
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Humor - Guest contributor, Merrill Kazanjian - A funny animated (stop motion) movie about alien hats trying to take over a middle school in Harlem, New York. When the teachers are overmatched by the hats, the students fight back and save the day. Collaboratively written by Merrill Kazanjian and the Students of St. Hope Leadership Academy.
bigmetsfan1@aol.com
Humor
- Indicted NJ mayor resigns after only 1 month on job. Sarah Palin's reaction: "Why didn't I think of that?"
- Northwest jet blows 5 tires while landing in Minn. Kirstie Alley is told to find another airline to fly on.
- McCain to oppose Sotomayor for Supreme Court. "Call me old fashioned but nothing turns me off more than a woman who speaks coherently."
- Plaxico Burress indicted on weapons charges. More specifically, carrying a concealed weapon without a brain.
- Ayatollah Khamenei bestows endorsement of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's 2nd term as president but without formal kiss. "I just want to be friends."
- Bill Clinton in N Korea to seek release of U.S. reporters -- and to check out the Pyongyang Hooters.
- Ryan O'Neal: "I hit on my daughter Tatum at Farrah's funeral." This is too freaky for even Eugene O'Neal.
- Human foot found in NY recycling plant. "This little piggy went to paper, this little piggy went to plastic, and... "
- Ohio family visits 52 zoos in 52 weeks. They expect it will take another 52 weeks for the monkey house smell to go away.
- Ohio family visits 52 zoos in 52 weeks. The most interesting exhibit? Ryan, the bi-curious hippopotamus.
- Report: Russian subs patrolling off East Coast. Yesterday, authorities spotted a Veal Orloff with onions and mayo on a 6-inch roll.
- Jury rules convicted ex-congressman William Jefferson must forfeit $470,000 in bribes. Jefferson furious. "I earned those bribes!"
- 267-pound matzah ball sets Guinness world record. Crowd that ate it then sets record for guilt after not thanking mother who cooked it.
- Clunkers program extended. Entire NBC lineup renewed another year.
- NY Times: "Sotomayor faces heavy workload of complex cases." She disagrees: "I thought most were going to be true or false."
- Kenyan man offers 40 goats and 20 cows for Chelsea Clinton's hand in marriage. Hillary: "I told you not to sign up for eHarmony.com."
- Fla. newlywed arrested for hiring hit man to kill husband of 6 months. Her defense? "Forgive me for trying to spice things up."
- American Psychological Association repudiates gay-to-straight therapy. That is so Niles Crane.
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Humor
- North Korea opens 1st fast-food restaurant. Most popular item so far: the Sad Meal.
- Connecticut authorities discover canary fighting ring, seize 100 birds. Still looking for the tailor who makes the little boxing trunks.
- Former US Sen. Larry Craig opens consulting firm. His new office is the 3rd stall from the left.
- Hawaii again declares Obama birth certificate real. Birthers now questioning whether Hawaii is a state.
- New Taser gun can shock 3 people without reloading. It can stop a white trash family in their tracks.
- New Henry Louis Gates arrest theory: Has anyone checked for a bigot on a grassy knoll?
- Detroit man says stress led him to rob banks. Plus, it was more profitable than yoga.
- La. Sen. Vitter says he'll vote against Sotomayor -- and promises not to have sex with her.
- Woman accused of running strip club in basement. It was the only club where the stripping pole had a garden hose hanging from it.
- Fox's Glenn Beck says he believes Obama is racist. In Beck's defense, he thinks racist means someone who bets on the horses.
- Study: tanning beds as deadly as arsenic. On the plus side, you'll be one healthy looking corpse.
- Republican Tenn. state senator, 47, quits after affair with intern, 22. He's also stepping down as president of the Rick Sandford Fan Club.
- Florida town official fired for being married to a porn star is leaving town -- as soon as he writes his farewell and Penthouse letters.
- Shocked Boston cop suspended for using racial slur to describe Henry L. Gates: "This is the thanks I get for creating a teachable moment."
- N.H. Sports reporter arrested for running a prostitution ring on Craigslist. On the bright side: newspapers discover new revenue stream.
- Swedish company fined $3,000 for 2007 incident where robot attacked & injured factory worker. Robot union promises to appeal the fine.
- Arizona lawmakers want to sell state capitol buildings for cash. They are already planning the new Days Inn/Legislative building.
- SC man charged with having sex with horse -- again! "Love is lovelier, the second time around."
- Wash. state may release ill prisoners to save money. "Excuse me guard, this swastika tattoo on my forehead is killing me."
- Mich. man jailed for assault during Monopoly game. He was also ordered not to pass go and not to collect $200.
- Harvard prof, cop & Obama get together for a beer. Verdict: Less filling 2, Taste great 1.
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Humor
- Interior to halt uranium mining at Grand Canyon. Department also looking into shutting down any souvenir stands that sell fried dough.
- Amtrak bus fire on SoCal freeway ignites wildfire. Amtrak spokesman: "Once again, you're just looking at the negative side."
- Question of the week: Will Corey Feldman be attending Walter Cronkite’s funeral dressed as Walter?
- NASA: Jupiter apparently hit by object: When will they finally take Lindsay Lohan's driver's license away?
- World's largest telescope to be built in Hawaii. Neighboring islands will now have to keep their curtains closed.
- Measure to expand gun rights falls short in Senate. Not a great day for lonely drifters who never fit in.
- DEA seizes records of Michael Jackson’s doctor. Could Bubbles the Chimp’s dermatologist be next?
- Nonprofit Cancer Project files a lawsuit claiming hot dogs should carry a warning label. Here’s a suggestion: “It’s a hot dog."
- 5 rabbis arrested in NY and NJ. For their sake, they better have good Presbyterian lawyers.
- Man accused of buying and selling human kidneys. Bernie Madoff is starting to look not so bad.
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Humor
- Powerful sedative found in Michael Jackson’s home -- a John Tesh CD.
- 1.6 million request Michael Jackson memorial tickets. Even in death he’s outdrawing Lil Wayne.
- George W. Bush may put Saddam's gun in his library. So far, that's guns 1, books 0.
- 1.6 million request Michael Jackson memorial tickets. Fortunately, Ticketmaster still has a few seats available for next of kin.
- New dessert inspired by Sarah Palin -- Half Baked Alaska.
- An Illinois cab driver fended off a knife-wielding passenger by spraying deodorant at the attacker. Amazing! A cabbie using deodorant!
- A Colorado company is selling caskets made out of bananas. They can be used for closed- and pealed-coffin funerals.
- Former D.C. Mayor Marion Barry was arrested for harassing his ex-girlfriend. His defense: “The bitch I’d been stalking set me up.
- British scientists claim to have created human sperm using embryonic stem cells. Or as they're calling it: "I can't believe it's not Nigel.
- You know the recession must be over when even former AG Alberto Gonzales can find a job (teaching at Texas Tech).
- For anyone who missed the funeral, the Jackson family will be Sitting Shivah in Los Angeles Coliseum.
- Tehran governor threatens to "smash" any new protests. After that, he'll be visiting a senior center.
- Comcast employee arrested for robbing Oregon check-cashing store. Threatens to shoot clerk sometime between 8 AM and 5 PM.
- Ex-mistress's husband says Sen. John Ensign paid severance -- If you know what I mean.
- Utility knife blades found in dietary supplements. Now that's what I call cutting calories.
- LAPD is investigating Michael Jackson's prescription drug history. Step one: question any physician nicknamed "Dr. Feelgood."
- Sen. John Ensign's parents gave his mistress's family $96K. Said his father, "Kids to the darnedest things.
- Roland Burris won't seek a full term -- Senate or jail?
- New book reveals Ernest Hemingway to be KGB agent. That explains his unpublished short story, "The Commie of Kilimanjaro."
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Humor
- It appears Michael Jackson was taking enough painkillers to kill a horse – or Rush Limbaugh.
- A Kentucky church celebrated gun rights and then its new 11th commandment: Thou shall pop a cap in thy neighbor if he covets thy wife.
- You have to admire S.C. Gov. Mark Sanford's wife, Jenny. This is the kind of first lady I'd proudly -- and respectfully -- cheat on.
- It's been a tough week, beginning with the death of Jon and Kate's reality TV careers.
- Steve Jobs is back on the job. Finally, his minions will be able to check out liver 2.0.
- New study indicates widening generation gap in US. It must have been done by some crazy wet-behind-the-ear kid.
- LAPD interviewed Michael Jackson's doctors. The ones who took care of him or the ones who assembled him?
- A man has designed a truck that runs on garbage. His next invention will be a robot that talks trash.
- The big question about Bernie Madoff in prison: How long before he tires of checking off each day on his 150-year calendar?
- Apparently, Gov. Sanford has been confusing “spiritual advisor” with wingman.
- This just in -- Al Sharpton and Gloria Allred just checked themselves into rehab for microphone and camera addiction.
- Michael Jackson’s will estimates the value of his estate at more than $500 mil. $600 if you include the contents of his medicine cabinet.
- Poll: 64% say there’s too much Michael Jackson media coverage. The other 36 need to know when doctors will begin cloning Michael’s nose.
- NY Rep. Charlie Rangel claims drug companies have been stealing from the people. An outraged Rangel added, “Hey, that’s my job.”
- Eleven Boston police officers have been disciplined steroid use. Hence, the department’s new motto: To Protect and Pump You Up.
- What will Apple do about its new iPhones that keep overheating? Here's a thought: "Introducing the new iFire!"
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Humor
- Terrorists tried to assassinate the president of the Russian republic of Ingushetia. Republicans demand Obama find out where Ingushetia is.
- Republicans have been urging President Obama to get tougher with Iran. When will he finally show some backbone and ban Persian cats?
- The split-up of Jon & Kate raises a very important question: Should couples stay together for the sake of the ratings?
- Report: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will be sworn in as president by August. Aretha Franklin has begun rehearsing "Amazing Grace" in Farsi.
- Dick Cheney has a book deal to write his memoir, tentatively called "You Gotta Have Heart and Another Heart and Another Heart, and...
- The Gov. Sanford affair proves 1 thing: If Republicans really cared about the economy, they wouldn't be outsourcing their mistresses.
- Italian premier Silvio Berlusconi has a name for what South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford did: his Thursday morning appointment.
- If not for Farrah Fawcett, I might’ve become Charlie's first male Angel. Perhaps it’s time for me to let go.
- I’ll always remember what I was doing when Michael Jackson died: remembering what I was doing when Farrah Fawcett died.
- A Nestle USA cookie dough factory has refused to provide FDA inspectors its pest-control records. So much for revealing its secret recipe.
- Federal Prosecutors recommend Bernie Madoff be sentenced to 150 years in jail. His lawyer thinks he can get it knocked down to 125.
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Humor
- Sorry folks, gotta pay the bills: Drink Coke's new chopped liver-flavored cola! It's like Dr. Pepper, only less cute.
- I'll be opening for Kim Jong-il at next week's Oppress-apalooza. Plenty of tickets left.
- Feeling good about myself. Just offered the gov. to keep 2 Guantanamo prisoners in my basement. 3 if I can get the tool shed cleaned out.
- Get out and show your support for the people of Iran. Be there or beheaded.
- Brooksville, FL now requires its city employees wear underwear and use deodorant. Its new city motto: Did you wash behind your ears?
- Brooksville, FL requires its city employees wear underwear and use deodorant. Its new city motto: Don't be a perspiration stain on the city.
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Humor
- An Israeli woman mistakenly threw out a mattress with $1 million inside. Or as Jews call that: pulling a Madoff.
- Opponents of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad are now referring to him by his full name, Mahmoud Kevin Ahmadinejad.
- Chastity Bono is undergoing a sex change -- or as Michael Jackson calls that: normal maintenance.
- Iran's supreme leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei calls Ahmadinejad’s victory a “divine assessment.” The guy thinks he’s a U.S. Sup. Ct. Judge.
- Some Republicans are finally supporting health insurance mandates – just as long as it doesn’t lead to health insurance man-on-man dates.
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